Saturday, Nov. 27, 2004 | 5:26 p.m.
ho-hum and a tired eek

I�m having an anxiety attack and I�m not too happy about it. Then again, who would be excited about an anxiety attack? I�m having it because of him. I don�t know what to do with myself. I�m all flustered and indecisive. My friends think it�s funny. I just don�t know what to do. He will be in my life for a while. I do know that.

We haven�t had sex. It�s not time. I don�t know when and if it will be. He digs me in a big nasty way enough to not want to have sex with me right away. This is new and different behavior for me. I don�t know what to do with a guy that respects me.

He gets me.

He scares me... but in a good way.

Last night I did something and I don't know if I should be proud or embarrassed. After work I was desperate and stopped at Taco Bell. I got home, got undressed and turned on the shower. I couldn't decide if I should eat or shower. I ended up getting in the shower. Then I decided I was hungry and reached out of the shower and got my taco. I decided to eat my taco in the shower. The closest I've ever come to this is drinking a cold beer in the shower (it was quite pleasant). Food? I have never eaten food in the shower. Does anyone els ever do this? Not in the bath... the shower. Gah. I'm pathetic.

Today has got to be the longest day of my life. Seriously. I'm at work right now getting paid time and a half to sit in a room with a patient for 12 hours. He has a trach in so he can't talk. He doesn't eat because he has a feeding tube. Where does that leave me? In front of this computer surfing the internet or watching whatever he is watching on TV. Ugh. We're watching Die Hard II right now.

All in all, I would have to say that this Thanksgiving Day has sucked some serious nasty ass.

On a thankful note... this guy that I've been hanging out with has 2 skiing gold passes this season. It means that he can go snowboarding all winter long at any resort for free! He wants to take me up one of these weekends! Yippee! I didn't think I would be able to make it this season at all. We'll have to see if I ever make it up there.

I know. I haven't updated in ages. I haven't felt like sitting in front of my computer for extended lengths of time until today. I started taking an inventory of my music at this website. In the end I will be able to download it all into an Excel spreadsheet if I want. I had to stop when I was halfway through the letter C. I think this might be more work than what I'm willing to do.

I've been sleeping a lot. I can't seem to get rid of this cold that put me out of work for 2 weeks. It fucking sucks.

I don't want to jinx anything. That's why I haven't been updating. He likes me and it scares the shit out of me. No, we haven't had sex. I've known him for almost a month now. I just don't know what else to say. I'm trying hard not to freak myself out but I think that started sometime last week.

He tells me he thinks I'm beautiful.

I only have one problem...

I don't have butterflies/stomach flips like I normally do when I dig a guy. What if I don't get them? Will I need to stop seeing him? We've only gone on one official date and hung out one other time. I'll hang out with him a few more times. Maybe I'm so scared that I just can't get butterflies? I like him. I just don't know how much. I know I like it when he calls and we talk. I just... Argh.

Now I've written too much and probably jinxed the whole thing anyway. Fuck all.

I can't sleep yet. For one thing, all of my bedding is in the wash. My blanket and sheets are in the dryer and my comforter is still in the washer. I had to wash them. All I did was practically sweat to death about four nights in a row earlier this week. My sheets were disgusting by today.

I was listening to Dali's Car as I was folding clothes. I realized that I don't know if I could ever be with a man that hated my music so much that I could never play it in his presence. That would just kill me. Music is too much a part of who I am. It's my past and my present. Most of my memories have some sort of music attached to it.

This past summer two men asked me (more like accused me) of being a Dave Matthews fan. Do I come off to people as that type of person? I am not even on the same planet as any of that man's music. I can tolerate it but that's all I do is tolerate and that's only long enough to get away. His voice, to me, is like fingernails sliding down a chalkboard. I cringe when I hear that whine of his.

Jeff, the property appraiser, thought I was a huge fan. Jeff is a jam-band kind of guy. Fine. I can date him and he can go to all the shows he wants to. I don't care. I'm not going to make him go to any of mine. I don't care that he listens to that and enjoys it. Whatever gets your rocks off is ok by me. The thing is, during our third date, I told him what I listen to and the kind of teenager I was. He got this weird look in his eye and looked me up and down as if to say, "OMG, you were one of THEM." Then he laughed at me. He never called again and if he did, I had no intention of answering. All he wanted was sex and he finally figured out that he wasn't getting any from me.

I have to stop now to listen to Dead Can Dance "I am Stretched on Your Grave". I stop and listen every time that song plays. Then I listen to it a few more times and just cry. I should get a copy of the Sinead O'Connor version. Back to what I was saying...

In August, Mr. 10 brought up the whole Dave Matthews thing too. He honestly thought that I was a fan. I just said something to the effect that we probably had more in common than he thought. In the morning, he put on his Social D t-shirt and he had no idea how fucking sexy that was to me. He was off to work in corporate hell with Social D under it all. Now that is a great fucking memory... thank you Social Distortion and thank you Mr. 10.

It just bothers me. TWICE in one summer... Eek.

I don't want to be a Dave Matthews type of girl or person. Have I lost that much of my individuality over the years? Have I lost my edge?

Will I ever find anyone that will let me be me? Will they all be like Jeff and look at me as if I'm from another planet when I tell them about my past? Will my luck be so bad that I fall madly in love with Dave Matthews' number one fan? Will I be able to tolerate his music or is it just impossible for me to fall in love with a DMB guy? Will he tolerate my music, let me listen to it and let me be myself? Can I do the same for him?

Am I this shallow?

Why the hell am I worrying about this tonight anyway? Gah.

I realize I may have just pissed off quite a few DMB fans. In all honesty, this is me being honest and I won't have my blog any other way. If you don't like it then don't read it. End of story.

I'm stuck in a conundrum. I'm too aggressive for the quiet and shy type of guy and yet I'm not right for the loud and aggressive type. Where the hell does that leave me? In the middle? Purgatory? Well, that isn't much fun and I've just about had it. I've had plenty of time to think this week. I need a plan. Do I need to be that cutesy flirty girl that all the guys ask out? The one that has a good wholesome reputation (even though the reputation isn't deserved, she's a ho like the rest of us). Do I really want to be someone that I'm not? I'm a flirt. I know that. I just don't try to hide the fact that I am. Me? Be cute? On purpose? That's just nauseating...

I'll have to figure something out. I'm bored and I want to sit and rent movies with someone I care about when it's cold and snowy out.

I realize that's a lot to want...

So I was nasty. I hadn't showered in a few days and I forced myself to take one today. That's what I do when I'm sick. I get lazy as hell and forget to try to be a normal functioning human being.

I read a few more books the past few days. I read About a Boy by Nick Hornby and Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. About a Boy was fine. I don't think it was a great enough story to make a movie about it. Lullaby was brilliant. I must look up more Chuck Palahniuk the next time I find myself at the bookstore. A friend suggested him to me a few years ago because I am so enamored with Irvine Welsh. The friend didn't tell me enough about this guy's books. I need a book to be so off the top unrealistic that it could possibly happen. I've got some reading to do.

Namby-pamby books about love sick fools are for the birds.

No, I haven't gone back to work yet. I've only been to Rite-Aid, Sunflower Market and Blockbuster Video. I need a note to go back to work and my doctor won't give me one yet. I keep running a temperature at night. I will probably go back on Sunday. Until then, I get to stay low and keep on reading. I don't have a TV that gets any reception (I refuse to pay for cable and rabbit ears are hideous) so all I can do is rent movies and read. It's strange, I've enjoyed reading more than watching the movies I rented.

I rented:
Morvern Callar
Dark City
Taking Lives
Miracle
Man on Fire

I've seen Dark City before and should probably own it by now. I just don't have a comment on the other movies except to say that I need to take a list with me the next time I go to rent movies. What the hell was I thinking??

I do have plans to join a bar crawl for charity on Saturday afternoon. I just don't get to drink... I gotta wear shades...

Quick notes from this past weekend:

1. Saw Social Distortion play at The Fillmore. Loved it. I haven't felt that young in a long time. Mmm... Mike Ness...

2. Saw Grant from last weekend at Social Distortion. He's not as I remember. He never called so he gets a big ol' thumbs down.

3. Kickball end of season party was Saturday night. I went for a few hours and gave my phone number to a guy that I've been meaning to get to know all season but everytime I turn around he's already gone. He's super shy and quiet. Hopefully we can just hang out and see what happens.

4. I'm sick as hell. I have The Crud. I called in sick to work on Thursday and Friday and had to call in sick for tomorrow too. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and she gave me a prescription that makes me feel even shittier. I know I shouldn't have gone to Social D but a friend already bought the tickets and I was looking forward to it. As far as the kickball party is concerned, I just went for a few hours before I took off.

I'm not used to stopping my life for illness. I read 2 books (American Skin by Don De Grazia and Being Alexander by Nancy Sparling) the past few days and started watching LOTR again. American Skin was a great book. I finished it just before going to the see Social D so it was quite fitting. The whole skinhead racist thing has always fascinated me. I just never really understood why anyone would want to be associated with a group like that. The book helped a little but I still don't really get it. It was still a work of fiction so I have no idea how much of the ideals and beliefs are true. I suppose I could do my own research in my free time, if I feel like it. Being Alexander just sucked. I can't believe I finished the book. The storyline behind the book was good but the way the Nancy Sparling writes was driving me crazy. I had to finish it. I hate having unfinished books lying around.

I thought this was hilarious. I voted. Did you?

I wasn't going to write anything tonight but I don't think I can sleep without my daily mental purge.

I haven't cried over Halloween in a while. I was due.

My weekend was fan-friggin'-tastic.

Friday
In the afternoon I saw Garden State at The Mayan. Zach Braff!

At night, I went to a pumpkin carving party at Grace's house. I hung out with a few people that I haven't spent time with in a long time. I just saw all of them at Grace's wedding in September but that was too hectic of a day to really sit and talk.

Saturday
I spent a good portion of my day trying to find white thigh high pantyhose. I went into a Halloween store on Broadway just in case they had anything and had to practically run out of the store. It was packed but that wasn't what bothered me. One of the guys that works there was smoking in the store. I know I'm always in smokey situations at bars, but in a store? Hasn't that been illegal for 20 years or so?

I showered and got ready for a party. We got to the party about 9:30 and had a great time. I had a good-sized dinner and still ended up being the world's largest lightweight. I didn't drink that much (2 vodka tonics and shot of Jagermeister) but I still don't remember parts of the evening. Does that happen as you get older? I don't think I'm metabolizing the alcohol as easily as I used to. I think I'm on a break from alcohol but we'll see what next weekend brings...

There was another woman at the party wearing the same costume as me. She was a rancid bitch. She kept on walking up to me and to tell me to go to the other side of the bar because this side was her side. It was the most ridiculous thing anyone has said to me a while. Little Miss Muffet was a little territorial. Freak.

A newer kickballer (this was her first season) was throwing up in the bathroom all over the place. She threw up on the back of one of my friend's sweater. I forced The Puker into a stall and made her start throwing up in the toilet. No one was helping her. It was weird. The friend with the puke sweater was trying to get cleaned up but she was so grossed out that her efforts were useless. I took the sweater from her and scrubbed all the puke off. I wipe asses for a living, cleaning up puke isn't that big of a deal after a while. I sent someone out to get a few bags (one for her shirt and one to puke in) and another woman brought in a clean t-shirt. She re-dressed The Puker and I took her outside to the curb. The guy she came with to the party showed up and took her home. The weird thing about the situation is that I didn't get any puke on me. Woo hoo!

Mr. Saturday night was there. I don't get him. I'm over him. I don't have the patience or time to play games. I told his friends at the end of the night to let him know I think he's stupid for not asking me out. I'm a little too blunt when alcohol has taken over my mouth.

Then I spotted a decent looking guy standing by himself. He was wearing all black (nice pants and shirt) and a cross. I asked what he was for Halloween because I couldn't figure it out. I don't think he was anything but he said he was a Catholic or a Christian. I stopped trying to figure it out. His name is Grant and he's a pilot at Centennial Airport. The bar was closing. I invited him over to my friend's loft with a bunch of us. I gave him the address but told him to just ditch his friends. He couldn't do that so we parted ways.

At The Loft, a few of us continued hanging out and I went across the street to the Monkey Bean and bought a few grilled cheese sandwiches to take back. When I got back, I ate and put on my pajamas. I walked out into the living room and there was Grant. I had been at The Loft for over an hour and assumed that he wasn't showing up. We made out for a while and then he had to leave. The funny thing was that he asked me to take off my pajamas and put my Little Miss Muffet costume back on. That just cracked me up. I doubt he will call. I wouldn't mind it if he did.

Sunday
My friend's alarm went off at 8:20 in the morning and woke me up. He wasn't turning it off. I knocked on his bedroom door loudly, walked in, hit the snooze, and went back to bed. It went off again in 9 minutes and he still didn't turn it off. Then it hit me through my hungover gurgled head. His blood sugar was incredibly low.

I tried to wake him up but his eyes kept on rolling back. I got a few pieces of candy and tried to put them in his mouth but that didn't work. I went to the fridge, got out a ginger ale and slowly poured small amounts into his mouth. I called our mutual friend that has dealt with him and this situation before but he didn't answer the phone. I was freaking out. I had to keep on slapping him in the face to keep him awake. I continued to pour ginger ale into his mouth and he would swallow. Then I accidentally poured too much and he purposely spit it all at me and then hit me. Crap, he's one of the aggro diabetics. I started yelling at him to wake the hell up. It eventually worked and he got up and sat on the couch in the living room. I put a Tootsie Pop in his mouth. He bit into it and then spit it on me. Then he picked his jack-o-lanterns of candy and threw all the candy out the window. Then he threw out the jack-o-lanterns too.

It all took about an hour before I watched him guzzle a glass of cranberry juice. When he was able to check his blood sugar it was at 77 (100 is normal). I can't imagine how low it was before I started giving him the ginger ale. He doesn't remember most of what happened.

Then I made him take me out to breakfast.

Tonight I went to another friend's house for Canadian Thanksgiving. It was fantastic. All the food was amazing. The real Canadian Thanksgiving was on October 12th but one of our friends was in Africa and we waited until she came home. No, I'm not Canadian but many of my friends are.

I'm off to dream of ...

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