16 August 2004 | 11:22 p.m.
Dutch Courage
Rapeman

I can't sleep. I slept in today and it has caught up with me. Now I just need to purge my mind of all these random thoughts to quiet down the screaming in my head.

I thought for sure I could feel him touching me again today. I relived the moment we were standing in Writer's Square and he grabbed me from behind and just held me for 20 minutes. He occasionally stole a kiss on my neck or cheek that sent shivers down my spine. We didn't care about the people that were glaring at the stolen kisses. It wasn't a bad PDA moment. It was a busy night downtown and we just people watched and he held me. That's all it was. Plain yummy. Vanilla, safe, isn't bad from time to time.

Then we took the elevator down to his car in the parking garage. I know he wanted sex right then and there in the elevator. I just didn't feel comfortable enough to get into the groove. It was a busy Saturday night but I probably would have been up for it if it was a Monday. We got off the elevator and went to his car. Fucking bucket seats got in the way. I mounted him anyway - in the parking garage at Writer's Square. I could hear people in the garage but I could see them so they just disappeared. Maybe we had an audience, who knows. It was a kickin' good time.

~~~~~

I'm worried about going into work tomorrow. I'm afraid a patient might have died over the weekend and I don't want to hear it. He got a lung transplant last year and has had a few complications. I accidentally let him know how gross I think toenails are he is constantly giving me a hard time about it. His wife is awesome too. Last week we had to move him off the floor to ICU. I just sat and cried with his wife while we watched him hooked up to a million machines. She doesn't have any family here in Denver and her oldest brother just died of cancer last week. I know this all part of my job and I shouldn't get so attached but it's hard because they are sometimes in the hospital for weeks and months at a time. I look forward to seeing them when I get to work. I just don't want to hear any bad news tomorrow. I'm nervous.

I didn't talk to anyone today. I didn't call anyone and I didn't answer the phone. I probably should have answered it but some people are just too much work.

Lately, I've noticed that my confidence has gotten better and I'm sticking up for myself even more than usual. I'm not really sticking up for myself as much as I'm calling out the passive-aggressive behavior of the people around me. I have no fucking tolerance for it lately.

A woman I know does not know how to listen and therfore is not a good friend to her peers. I want to tell her if she could just stop talking about herself for once and stop trying to be in control of everything then things might go a little smoother for her in life. Alas, she has fucked me too many times lately with her personal agendas for me to be a friend to her anymore. It doesn't help much that she constantly pulls out the "victim" card on people that are close to her. Ugh. Just deal like the rest of us.

I went down to the Buffalo Exchange today to sell some of my old concert t-shirts for cash. Here's what I got rid of:

Inxs - Listen Like Thieves, 1986
The Cure - Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, 1987
Berlin - Count Three and Pray, 1986
Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels, 1985
Tool - the kickin' wrench
A couple random shirts

and got 55 bucks! They were freaking on my Cure t-shirt. I never wore it. I like The Cure - I just never wanted to be mistaken for one of those Cure fanatics. I was a Joy Division girl. I have a few more t-shirts that I need to get rid of but I'm still a little too attached.

I took my cash, went to Wax Trax and bought Rapeman. Albini is GOD.

I haven't written in this thing for a long friggin' time. I mean really write and tell the whole truth. Too many people in my real life know about this thing and I'm afraid to say too much and reveal what's really going on here. I'm the world's biggest chicken-shit and I know it. So fuck it.

Job
My job is great. I work at a local hospital on the organ transplant unit and friggin' love it. It's great to work with people that want to live and are willing to make any changes in life to keep their new organs.

It's strange to hear the news these days. On the nightly news they report tragedies and then work is haywire with a bunch of new transplants. They don't report how often some of these stories end beautifully. Moral here: be an organ donor!

School
I got accepted into a new nursing school here in Denver but I will probably not go. The school doesn't seem to have a very good reputation for offering a quality education in the programs they already have. It's $30K and doesn't qualify for student loans so I would have to go to the bank of Mom. The Bank of Mom is tightening the noose around my neck. I won't last long with her calling me every effing day making sure I'm studying.

Kickball
The charity tournament is over and my life has started to mellow out again. We raised over $21K and had over 500 people at the park at once. Since I volunteered so much and was reliable they want to make me the head of the junior board of directors. I will eventually get paid (in a few years) a small stipend for being on the board. I basically get to plan parties and events for charity. A little part of me has always wanted to be a party planner and for charity is even better!

Boys
Love 'em. Did I mention Joe from NY via London? He was great in the sack! I'd been dating Jeff (since July 3rd) until last week. The ass gave me a hicky on my neck. What the fuck is that shit? I'm not 17, I'm 34 and he's 41...he should know better! I threw him to the curb and went out later that night for girl's night. I ended up in Scott's bed in my drunken stupor. We didn't have sex but he let me watch him beat off. No, I wouldn't blow him - I normally only blow the guys I'm dating not the one's I'm just scamming. He's a good kisser but there just isn't any real spark. I will see him again soon anyway and maybe I can see how I feel then. For now, I don't give a shit. Plus, he's a former frat boy and I find that incredibly UNattractive.

All in all everything's just dandy. The more things change the more they stay the same.

I've given too much of myself to people lately and haven't left anything for me.
I am drained emotionally.
I give at work to people.�
I give to the men I've been dating
I give to the men I've had sex with lately.
I have nothing left for me.
I spent all day with my friends and will need a break from everyone.
Thank fuck I can turn off my phones and just ignore the world tomorrow

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