23 September 2004 | 12:10 p.m.
Ruffled nonsense

I just got back from getting my snatch and eyebrows waxed again. The more I go the less it seems to hurt. Strange. I can't wait to see it in a few hours after is has calmed down!

Boys baffle me.

I'm hungry and I'm off to Costco and the grocery store. This is going to be an expensive trip. Ugh.

Kickball is tonight. It's going to be another awkward night. "Hi! It's great to see you! I had sex with your boyfriend again and don't feel bad about it! I had a fantastic time. What do you think of that?"

I was feeling weird about my abivalence last night until he called me an hour after he left. He asked if he could come back over.

Yep. He came over. Yep. We had sex again. Yep. My mind is one big gigantic cluster fuck.

We talked for a while and just hung out. It was very comfortable. Then we went to bed. I was ok with that. I had my pajamas on and was trying to sleep until he woke me up.

He wanted me this time. Sex is great when you are seduced and wanted. Then we slept until morning.

He went to work and I went to bed.

Now all I have is my thoughts.

Yep. I had sex with #8 again. Argh. What the hell am I doing? I know what I'm doing - I'm sealing the deal and getting some serious bad dating karma. Fuck . Fuck. Fuck. I may have lost his friendship too.

The bad thing is that I don't really feel anything towards him. I used him and I know it. I'm trying to get over #10 and he was there. I feel like an ambivalent ass.

I just did something that I don't know if I should regret or not. Fuck. I should have never gotten drunk on a Sunday afternoon...

I went out with #8 tonight as "friends". It was fun. I know a ton of people took a double take because we showed up together and they are used to me showing up alone. Plus, his girlfriend wasn't with us. He is a good person and he knows me. He gets me. He is one of the very few people in this world that know and understand the world that I came from and what I went through to acclimate.

We went to a party. I was in a good mood until the beer really started to kick in. There is a reason why I don't drink beer... I turn into a crying pathetic mess. I pride myself on being a good drunk but that's with tequila and vodka. Ugh.

He was concerned about my recent heartache. He wanted to know more information. I didn't tell him much about #10 (it's still awkward for me) just that it was one of those connections that you don't get very often in life. By the time I knew he had a girlfriend he isn't going to break up with I couldn't turn back. I already had strong feelings for him and I lost that control that I always have on my emotions. He hugged me. He wants me to be happy. I know he feels bad for being one of the guys that used me. He shouldn't because I knew what he was doing. I know that's what some men do. I just keep meeting them and letting them. I used some of them too.

#8 said that he would love to make out with me tonight but he can't and I didn't want to anyway. We've never made out and not had sex. We won't be making out again. He told me he's in love with his girlfriend. I said, "Good for you". I didn't know what else to say.

He talked about issues he's currently having and I listened. We hugged again then he held my hand and told me he loves me. I think and hope he meant that in a platonic/friendship way. It was good to hear from someone. I haven't heard that pass by any man's lips to me during a serious conversation in years. I know that he meant it. I told him I didn't know if I loved him.

I'm glad and hoping we can put the sex behind us and be friends. We care about each other enough to not let go. Not yet.

He was trying to cheer me up by telling me I'm a hottie. He said I have a great body and blah blah blah. He also told me to keep on taking care of my breasts and I told him I wouldn't stop. I'm too narcissistic for that. Then I said that's one of the problems - men just see my body and they don�t see me. The real me. They don't want to know me. They just want to touch my 34Ds. Ugh.

I think our friendship is still emotionally cheating on his girlfriend.

FYI...I've had intercourse with 10 men and it seems easier for me to refer to them by number instead of some bullshit name. The number system is bullshit too but I have to have a way to keep them separate. I still don't regret any of them.

I just spent an hour in the sun on my porch, in my pink pajama pants and a sports bra, listening to Lords of Acid and smoking. I still have a tendency to smoke every once in a while.

I got an urge to take off my pants and then remembered that I go commando to bed and thought the neighbors might not appreciate it.

The sun felt great. The smokes were great too. Nicotine is amazing.

Wait a sec, I'm supposed to be listening a different Lords of Acid album and my player skipped to Madonna. I don't feel like listening to Madonna and yet I don't feel like getting off my ass.

I can't stand this nonsense... must change music...

Back...ah...sweet joy in my ears.

My head won't shut up today. I just can't turn it off long enough to concentrate on anything. I thought smoking might help but it looks as if I might have to go do yoga or some crap like that. I need to clear up my head. It has been so muddled lately that I've almost forgotten who I am.

I can do this. I can be alone. I just must convince myself if anything will ever happen it will. With him or someone else. Patience.

I can't get this guy out of my head. Seriously, this is bad. I want to call him. I want to hang out with him. I want to email him. I just don't know what I would say and I'm afraid of what he would say.

I want to see that smirk on his face again. The one he gets when he teases me. Two nights wasn't enough for me.

Does he even think about me anymore? Is he going through the hell that I am? Does he ache like me?

I read Natasya's diary today. She had a beautiful entry that made me want to cry for her. Her honesty is amazing. It is definitely going down in my book of favorite entries.

"I just want to be dominated." That's what my neighbor told me tonight. That's quite the statement. I asked her more questions. She wants to be attacked by a guy that knows what he's doing in the sack. I agreed. It's great being with someone that isn't afraid to do what he wants.

Why is it that when your friends start dating or get married they forget what it's like to be single? Saturday night sucked. I was sick and had to go to a bachelorette party. I'm a maid in the wedding in a few weeks. I was told that I cannot bring a date. I've spent over $200 on her wedding and I can't bring a date because she has limited seating space. The other girls in the wedding party get to bring their boyfriends but she decided that I get to go ALONE. I get to go alone because she won't know the date that I bring and she only wants people she knows at her wedding. Fuck that. I'm trying the cake and then I'm blowing that popsicle joint.

I've never been forced to go to a wedding alone. It's different when it's my choice but take away my choice and I get a little peeved.

People can be so fucking insensitive it blows my mind. It's her wedding but I get to spend an assload of money and go ALONE.

Bite me.

Lords of Acid are kicking my ass tonight...I love 'em. Man, I think I need to go out dancing and work off some of this frustration. Lords of Acid tend to make me hornier than I normally would be. Ugh.

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