04 September 2004 | 9:10 p.m.
Be Still
Limehouse Outlaw

This is my life. I�m waiting for someone that is willing to throw caution to the wind and fall crazy in love with me. That�s all I want. I know that it asking too much out of most people. Timing is not everything�if it�s worth it then people let things happen because it will never be the perfect time.

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I forgot to mention a conversation I had with a kickballer the other night. He's an acupuncturist and deals with a lot of patient's with endocrine system/fertility problems. He gets it. He knows exactly why I'm infertile and what hormones are all fucked up. He's the only person I've ever met that I can talk to about this in a clinical manner. The first thing he said was, "Is your FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) low? Right on the button, my LH (luteinizing hormone)is 5 times higher than my FSH, therefore, I don't ovulate but I get to have a period every month!

That's all I have to say about that...I almost forgot about that conversation. I don't know why I think it's important enough to write here. Feh.

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I freaked on the way home from work tonight. I saw a bad motorcycle accident. Quite a few people were standing around watching the paramedics and crying. As I drove by I saw parts of a black motorcycle and some guy's legs. All I could think about was my brother-in-law and sister's black motorcycle. I called them when I got home but they didn't answer. It probably wasn't them but it did remind me of how short life is and how much it would suck without them.

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Work was dandy as candy today. I was the only one just like on Monday but it was much slower.

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My bruise is a beautiful pewkish plum color today. It's quite a striking color.

I'm off to call Marlo and then to bed for work in the morning.

Mmm...Bite Me...or make me laugh

1. GAME BOY:: Super Mario 3
2. Biopsy:: lymphoma
3. Attack:: Jeeves
4. Convention:: NYC
5. Jewels:: Balls
6. Genetics:: Epilepsy
7. Impostor:: fake
8. Doug:: pot
9. Arbitrary:: random
10. Oscillate:: gag

1. Reporter:: wet
2. Mythology:: Odin
3. Wimbledon:: tennis
4. Civilization:: Maya
5. Punctuation:: F***!
6. Party Games:: Beirut
7. Flawless:: OCD
8. Unprecedented:: never
9. Curry:: chicken ticca masala
10. Tropical:: bugs

I woke up today and jumped out of bed. I thought I had a meeting at work that I forgot about so I went running to my calendar. I was wrong. I hate that.

Then my heart hit me with a bulldozer and reminded me of why I stopped taking chances. Rejection, in any form (intentional, unintentional, or perceived), sucks.

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I took some pictures last night on my cell phone:

This is me and Brian. He's a sweet guy... not my type but sweet.

This is Carl and Tammy.

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Ok, so I'm a Wolfgang Press fanatic. A while ago I sent an email to Andrew Gray (former WP guy). I didn't hear anything until last month and got all giddy because I got an email from him. I'm listening to Limehouse Outlaw now which is his recent stuff and dig "A Soft Piece of Flesh". If you haven't figured it out by now most of the titles in my blog are song titles or lyrics. What I'm listening to always seems to be appropriate to how I'm feeling or writing about. Now I'm just babbling...

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Here's a pic from my phone of my nephew and niece that were visiting from California.

I would die for them I love them so much.

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The last few days:

I went to the doctor and got all my prescriptions. I needed to have my drug levels tested again. I told the phlebotomist the vein and the type of needle and she questioned me. Fuck. Do I have to scream at the top of my lungs every time I get blood drawn that my veins suck and you have to use a butterfly needle or you'll blow all my veins and have to suck it out of the top of my hand!? Ugh. What did the dumb bitches do? They put a newbie on my arm to try it out. She stuck the needle in and searched for over a minute on my vein. I told her the vein was cashed if she didn't get it within the first 5 seconds. Now I have a lovely bruise on my left elbow on my only decent vein. The experienced lady decided to have a stab at me. She did something no other phlebotomist has ever done she went straight to my right forearm in some random fucking vein. Holy hell it hurt like a bitch and I now have a gigantor purple bruise on my arm. Then I got to have a shot in my arm to update my Hep A vaccinations.

Check out my rock-a-delic chesire cat pajamas!

A guy came over yesterday to fix my screwed up drywall. All I have to say is if you're in a stranger's house and they are the client - put the fucking toilet seat down.

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I know my last entry or two have been on the angry side. My head is going through a lot right now. I've been dropping the f-bomb like it's candy.

You meet people in life for a reason.

I need time.

I'm sorry I asked for too much.

I just got home from kickball. A bunch of us went out for breakfast after the bar. I'm still not really eating. Food just doesn't taste that good to me right now. Then again I've been craving cold cereal but I'm too lazy to get my ass to the store to buy milk. I hate buying groceries. Therefore, I just don't eat much at home.

I felt shitty all day today and I needed that to end so I decided that I wasn't going to play kickball. I was just going to watch so I could wear a dress. Again, I'm admitting to being lame but wearing something pretty just makes me feel better about myself.

I brought my sneakers in case enough girls didn't show up to play but I wasn't worried because 22 people showed up last week. Not my luck though... I had to play b/c only 4 women showed up and less than 4 is a forfeit.

I played catcher and had a pretty good game. I didn't get out but my teammates did so I didn't score any runs.

I should have been kicked out of the game. At first base we have two plates, one for the baseman and one for the runner to lessen any collisions. The baseman was covering both plates so I was running towards him in a dress spewing f-bombs to get the hell off my plate. He didn't move so I ended up having to jump over him (he was leaning to the side). I was wearing a dress! It was not ladylike but fucking hilarious all the same. A few people were laughing their asses off that were in earshot. Screaming get the fuck off my plate, fuck fuck fuck is apparently worthy of getting kicked out of a game for un-sports-man-like conduct. Alas, the ump couldn't kick out a girl in a dress. I was told later that I jumped pretty high for a girl wearing a dress.

The bar was ok. I wasn't in the mood to be there but decided to stay anyway. I have to get out of my funk which means I have to surround myself with people. It will take a while but I should be back to my normal self soon. I hope.

I got a lot of slack for wearing a dress but it seems as if we might have a skirt night at kickball in a few weeks. It's something to do.

A few songs came on and Brian was asking people at the table who the bands were and I won the game every time. He said he didn't think I was old enough to know any of that shit and asked my age. I got the "OMG, no way are you 34. I thought for sure I was older than you" line. I know it's a compliment but I get it from everyone. It gets old after the umpteenth time.

At The Breakfast King Brian was text messaging a kickballer that lives in my complex. I let him follow me home to his booty call a few buildings away from mine. He was funny about it... I don't fucking care... good for him for getting laid.

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I'm still melancholy tonight and don't think I'll sleep much. I'm glad I was able to forget stuff from earlier today for a few hours.

My head is all muddled with thoughts of everything. If it's meant to be then it will happen.

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