02 September 2004 | 2:17 p.m.
do it with sincerity

I took out the last 3 entries and put them back in just as easily. I had my reasons at the time for taking them out. Now I just don't know what to think...

What I don't understand is this:

If they were at the end of their relationship then why didn't they completely end it?
He can still be there for her but does he have to be there as a boyfriend?
Where are her friends and family?


I've been so independent for so long I just have a hard time understanding. I know who I can turn to for help. I know how much help I can ask for and how much is too much. I've never had cancer but I have had my fair share of a shitty life. The friends I turned to too much during the shitty times are no longer there. I used them all up. Now I try to not expect too much out of anyone. The only person that can get me out of my bad funks is me. Writing in my blog helps me to get things straight in my head. It helps me to sleep so the mind fuck isn't as loud as it could be. The extra stuff that makes even less sense goes into the handwritten journals that I've kept for yonks.

I understand his need (or is it a sense of obligation?) to be there for her. To what extent is he willing to give up his own life and put it on hold? How much giving is too much?

Will I see him again?

I'm just really fucking bummed today. The situation bums me out and I hate that I'm making his life more complicated than it needs to be.

He is so fucking honest it kills me. Honesty goes a long way with me and I can't ignore it. I respect the fuck out of it. I know he should have told me earlier but he could have let this go on without ever telling me.

I just don't know where to start or begin. I'm caught up in something bigger than me and I need to back down. I don't want to but he needs me to for his sanity.

Life can really piss me off sometimes. I have found someone and something truely fan-friggin'-tastic. I let myself lose the unending control I normally have on my feelings. I don't know if it was a conscience choice or not - it just happened.

Yes, I met him last Thursday. Yes, it feels like a lifetime already. I talked to him last night. He didn't want anything between us to get intense. He's dating someone else that was recently diagnosed with cancer. He can't leave her because she needs him too. From what he has said (what I comprehended, I was a little overwhelmed) their relationship was basically over and kind of still is but she needs his support through all of this.

What did I do? I still wanted to see him after he told me this. I know I should have ran but I could not. I went over to his house late last night. We went to bed, yes, I had sex with him. Yes, I enjoyed it. No, I don't regret it.

I don't want him to be any sort of one-night stand. I don't want him on that list. He shouldn't be but I have no control over what happens next. I'm scared shitless.

I didn't sleep much last night. I didn't want it to end and I never want to forget.

Please help me. I lost someone I never had in the first place.

I don't know if we will keep in contact or keep having sex but it might be too late for me to stop. I don't want to lose contact with him. I want him to see my world. I love my world and the people I have surrounding me. I don't know if it's a pipe dream or not. My mind is still hazy and I keep on crying.

If you love them set them free. Can I? Do I have to? I'm not saying I'm in love with him but I have loved our time together.

I've got it bad enough for him that I gave him this blog address because he asked. I don't intend to write anything different but it is stuff I would tell him anyway.

A Forest

Come closer and see
See into the trees
Find the girl
If you can
Come closer and see
See into the dark
Just follow your eyes
Just follow your eyes

I hear her voice
Calling my name
The sound is deep
In the dark
I hear her voice
And start to run
Into the trees
Into the trees

Into the trees

Suddenly I stop
But I know it's too late
I'm lost in a forest
All alone
The girl was never there
It's always the same
I'm running towards nothing
Again and again and again and again

The Cure

I've been trying to put last night into words all day today but I don't know if I could do any of it justice.

I went to kickball and enjoyed the game with a glass of "lemonade". I thought it was spiked with vodka. Oh no, it's not that easy it was friggin' Everclear. They don't even sell Everclear in some states. Ugh. I know what vodka, tequila and Jagermeister do to me but Everclear is an entirely new ball game. I was crazy... but in a good way.

Later at the bar I was enjoying some good flirting with my friends. Steve, the chicken-shit, took it upon himself to slide my tank-top and bra straps off my shoulder. I kinda liked it and didn't tell him to stop. That was as far as he went. He recently started dating a girl that he brought out with him on Saturday night so I think he feels safer flirting with me. Fuck if I will ever know.

A guy caught my eye. He doesn't play kickball. He had tattoos running down his arms, was wearing black and sporting quite the attitude. Yep, I like the punk rock tattoo boys. I always have. His name is C and his friend is D. We talked for the rest of the night.

One of the first things he said to me was, "Where have you been all my life?" The same thing a guy said to me a few months ago. That line slays me everytime.

All my kickball friends left the bar so we left and walked to his house. He kept on telling me everything he thought and was feeling. It kind of scared me and intrigued me at the same time. He held my hand and kissed that spot on my neck.

He told me he loved me. He realized what he said and then rephrased it to say he wasn't in love with me, he is enamored with me. Either way, I knew what he was saying. I know it isn't love it's just that chemical explosion and attraction you get with very few people. He mentioned that he thought it might be pheromones. Some things you just can't explain.

We exchanged names of people we hung out with when we were younger. Yep, we've probably met before but it was nearly 20 years ago.

He didn't kiss me on the lips for hours. Kissing is important to him. I don't know how to explain it but I understood what he was saying when he explained it to me.

Next thing I knew my pants were off. He was on a mission to visit my muff. I wasn't ready for him to be eating me out. I want more pressure to build up. He did see my newly waxed cooter and liked it. I let him explore with his hands. I do like a good finger fuck from time to time.

We eventually just went to bed and slept until he had to get up and go to work this morning. He put on a Social Distortion t-shirt and then a black shirt over it. He was ready to go to work in Cubicle World.

I went home and straight to bed. He called an hour later just to say hi. I like him. I like the way I feel.

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