2003-12-23 | 2:05 a.m.
pisces
Here is my horoscope for the past day:
Pisces
This day could be a real turning point for you, dear Pisces. Is it possible that you have finally learned how to say "No?" You are the one everyone turns to for help. As a result, you find yourself spending so much time on other people's problems that you have little energy or inclination left for yourself. This sort of situation ultimately helps no one. Put yourself first and there will be plenty of you left for others. If you allow yourself to become depleted, everyone loses.
It's all true and it sucks to be a pisces sometimes. I give too much and then I freak out because I have nothing left for myself. It all totally blows. Now I'm excited for tomorrow's horoscope to see what it has to say. I really don't believe in it but sometimes it's dead on and it freaks me out.
Obviously nothing too exciting has happened in my life lately. Cathi comes home on Saturday. That will be super cool fantastic. I get to hang out with my nieces and nephews and their dog on Christmas day. They are the coolest kids (including the 2 in San Diego) and the best dog.
My bills are stacking up. That's neato and an extra special FU for Christmas.
My clinicals at the hospice are over. I had the best time and the worst time all at once. I wish I could explain it better. When I left after the last day I got in my car and bawled like a baby. I truly fell in love with some of those people and if I go back they won't be alive. I have never felt so appreciated in my life. Everyone was incredibly sincere and honest - even in dying. I cried with complete strangers and gave them hugs. I wasn't there long enough to get some of the family member's names but they hugged and thanked me just the same.
It was weird doing the post-mortems. A body without life is a bizarre feeling. They were so cold and empty. The human body gets cold pretty quick. I'm thankful that human touch amongst the living is warm. I'm glad we aren't cold blooded creatures. I wondered if I was a cold cruel person when I did the post-mortems because I felt no emotion at all. Then when I saw the family members again I would lose it and cry with them. I don't know if I could work there and keep my sanity but I felt so much joy and so much sadness that I don't know if I could get used to the sadness and hold on to the joy.
I do know one thing. If I am ever diagnosed with a terminal disease that sends me to a hospice there is no way I'm eating the crap food that they serve. Bring on the ice cream, chip and dip and grilled cheese sandwiches. Fuck that nasty food. I almost forgot - bring on the nicotine! If they won't let me smoke inside then they will have to carry me out. When I get bad enough that I can't go out then stick a patch on my arm for crying out loud!
I love helping the living and the dying. I just need to let people know that they can depend on me but they have to also depend on themselves. That's what I gather from my horoscope and the past few days. I talked to Ke (she's a pisces too) and we are both in accordance that we can't depend on anyone. No one takes better care of us than we do. It's this bizarre independence thing where we have to do our own self healing. I've been so damned independent my entire life.
In the 1970's whenever my family went anywhere with crowds (airport, grocery store, this cool greenhouse place in Iceland) my mother had to put a leash on me. She wasn't afraid that I would get lost she was afraid that I would take off. She knew I didn't need her and when I did get free I never cried I just wanted to explore more.
I still just want to take off.