Monday, 27 September 2004 | 11:40 p.m.
Crash Worship

The wedding is over. Thank fuck. I cried a little during the ceremony and then lost it afterwards. My speech went ok. I cried during that too. I had to borrow waterproof mascara.

Now I can concentrate on Halloween. I've got a party on the 23rd and 3 parties on the 30th (I will probably only go to one or two of those). My costumes are still in the early planning phases. I'm hoping it doesn't get too expensive.

I just really have nothing to say except that I really wanted to get laid tonight and I'm too lazy to do anything about it. Mr. 8 and I played phone tag over the weekend. I saved the message but AT&T will delete it for me in a few days anyway. I have no idea why I save messages from men. I have a message from a year ago on my answering machine from Mr. 6. He's a great guy. He lives in Florida and I don't do that long distance stuff very well. He wasn't bad timing as much as bad geography.

I ended up finally watching The Basketball Diaries. I read the book a few times several years ago. It just took me forever to get around to seeing the movie. I thought the movie was a little violent and disturbing at times. I ended up smoking 4 times and standing outside in the rain during my breaks. I'll have to watch it a few more times over the next few days before I give it back to my friend.

I want to change it all. All of it. You can't take back things that you've said or done. Can I change them?

The rehearsal dinner was tonight. It was almost painful. I cried a little. I know I was being selfish and crying for myself. No one will know that. I hated being there ALONE.

I sat at a random table and ended up sitting in between the Bride's father and a groomsman and his wife. They talked about religion. Fuck all. At least it wasn't politics.

I talked to another Bridesmaid about how angry I am about not being allowed to bring a date. She said she heard about that and smiled and kind of laughed. I said quickly and sharply, "It's nothing to laugh or smile about. It's inconsiderate and I have every intention of talking to her about it after the wedding."

She mentioned that at least I get to sit at the fun table. I said, "You mean the one with all the architects? So I get to sit around and listen to people talk about architecture? When has that group of friends never talked the entire time about crap I don't know or care about? That is why she should have allowed me to bring a date. I am not part of any of her groups of friends. That is what would have been comforting for me. Someone I can talk to on a stressful day that actually knows me."

She had nothing to say. I didn't expect her to.

Another Bridesmaid stopped me and asked about my recent weight loss. She said I looked great and I'm thinner than the last time she saw me in August. I told her it has to do with my new job where I stand or walk for 11 hours straight. Weight maintenance is simple math. What goes in my mouth must be used in the form of energy. Then she asked if I ate anything for dinner. No, I'm not anorexic. It was great of her to notice and be concerned.

I had to leave a few times to take a breather. These are the times that I wish was a smoker and had a real reason to leave the room. It's acceptable to leave a room to smoke but if you leave just to get out then there must be something wrong. Thank fuck I took a cell phone and played as if I had some important shit going on. I can only handle so much small talk before I feel like I'm going to implode.

One of my favorite parts of tonight was watching the Bride's niece's and nephew get so excited about tomorrow. Kids are great... as long as they aren't mine.

That's another thing that I like about dating certain men. I prefer them to have a kid or two to relieve any pressure from me. I can't have kids without being jacked up with hormone injections and I don't want to pass on my epilepsy to anyone. I would consider adoption.

I was invited to go snowshoeing up Mount Bierstadt in December tonight. That would be amazing and I look forward to it. I'm not a person that has decided to climb as many fourteeners (14,000 foot peaks) as possible. I know many people want to climb as many as possible but it's not a priority for me. I would rather find incredible hikes like Hagerman Tunnel near Leadville. I want to have time to stop and be mellow. I have exercise induced asthma and didn't have my first attack until a few years ago when I was hiking up Mount Sherman. The attack started at about 13,000 feet and I was luckily with an asthmatic that had an inhaler.

I forget about the asthma every once in a while. I went to an aerobics urban dance class with the Bride a few months ago. I was doing ok for a while and getting the steps right. Then I started sucking. I couldn't remember for shit what I was doing. Then I started seeing black spots and realized I wasn't getting oxygen to my brain. I sat down and watched everyone else. I got home and used my inhaler. Huh. Is it adult onset or what?

I have to write a speech for the toast tomorrow. If you're wondering why this post is so friggin' long - it's procrastination. That's all. I have to do my fingernails too. They look like shit.

I better go be constructive...

I left a message at 11:45pm on Mr. 10's voice mail tonight. It went something like this:

Umm...I hope everything is ok. I just thought I would call to let you know that I'm done. I also wanted to say Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Take care and thank you.

last entry / next entry