Sunday, Oct. 31, 2004 | 10:30p.m.
Hally

This was my first Halloween without her.

Her name is Halloween. She showed up to one of my parties in college in October 1991. The next day, when I was airing out the house and cleaning, she came back. I laid down on the couch for a nap and she jumped up and took a nap with me. That was it... I kept her. She was already about a year old.

In February I had to put her to sleep.

Things just haven't been the same since then.

I miss her more than I can describe in words.

Tonight was the last night of kickball. Sheesh. I need a break like nobody's business.

Mr. Saturday night was there too. We talked for a while. He lives in Vail and stays at a friend's house in Denver. I will see him again this weekend.

I met a another guy a few weeks ago that I actually made an effort to hang out with tonight. He didn't bring a jacket so I let him wear one of mine. It was weird seeing him in it. I might see him this weekend too. Yippee!

At the bar, two guys (not kickballers) were leaving and one stopped to tell me I have the cutest smile he's ever seen. I blushed like nobody's business and thanked him. Then he left. That was it. It makes me happy to think that some people can still compliment complete strangers and not ask for anything in return.

I was walking down the hall at work yesterday and stopped in the middle. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. All I knew is that my world was spinning and I felt like upchucking. I sat down and it got worse if I closed my eyes. Then my coworkers started asking me if I was ok. I really wasn't. I was scared shitless. The spinning wouldn't stop.

I sat for 30 minutes before I realized that it was my inner ear tweaking out. Yep, it's one of those nasty viral inner ear infections. Joy. I have found heaven and it's called vertigo.

I went home early and passed out. Then I called in sick today too. I got about 18 hours of sleep and I'm still a little out of it.

Now that I've had plenty of alone time the past few days I'm still freaking out on myself. I don't like the way I feel. I feel dirty and nasty. I've become the person I never really wanted to be. The girl that has no self control and takes her panties off every chance she gets.

Tonight someone asked me what I want. I have no idea. I drove him home and he told me that one of the guys we were hanging out with is "into me". I was oblivious to the situation. The guy never said anything to me. He said I should like that kind of guy because he is good guy. All I could say is that he is a doormat and I would treat him like shit. If a guy likes me he needs to talk to me. Then he told me I need to get my eyebrows fixed because they are crooked. WTF? Since when do guys notice that shit? I haven't had them waxed in a month and one side grows back a little different than the other. That comment threw me for a loop.

I'm off to bed to try to sleep. Alas, sleeping will be an issue tonight... my head is still muddled from my craptastic behavior and now my eyebrows are whacked.

Blargh.

RIP... John Peel

The past few weeks have been completely wrong. Just wrong. I have almost completely grossed myself out by over thinking all of this bizarro incestuous kickball crap. Ick. I don't like my behavior. Change the channel - I'm sick of this lame ass soap opera.

I did meet a good guy that I could like at the party I co-hosted on Saturday night. He's not hot. He's not the kind of guy I would use abuse and throw away. He's someone that I might want to know better and that scares the bejesus out of me. I always say I want some guy to fall crazy in love with me but am I ready? Can I put a decent effort and not fuck it up?

He wears glasses. I think that's kinda cute.

The party turned out great. I don't think anyone was sober but I really didn't pay too much attention. All I know is that we trashed my friend's place and it took 3 of us 4 hours to clean on Sunday. I was too tired to stay up and watch the baseball game on Sunday.

Have I lost my self-respect? Is that what's going on?

Fuck.

I can't seem to keep my panties on to save my life these days. Yes, I had sex again. Now I'm at 11. It's the guy from the previous week. We aren't going to date. We aren't anything. We were too drunk to have mind blowing sex. Do I want to have sober sex with him? I don't know, then it might mean something. Then I might hurt myself again. I keep on telling myself none of this matters but it does. I know it does. I just need to figure out what the hell I'm doing and why I've been behaving this way for the past year and a half.

Before I turned 33 I'd had sex with 4 men and all of them were boyfriends. Now I'm up to 11. I have more than doubled the amount. I can tell myself until I'm blue in the face that it's all that screaming sex drive that kicks in at 32ish. Is it really just hormones or am I just a slut?

Those numbers don't even include the guys that I've made out with or had oral sex with or a finger fuck. I just keep track of the intercourse guys.

I had sex with Mr. 11 last night and I watched him make out with one of my friends tonight. The insecure part of me was annoyed and jealous but not enough to really care to do anything about it. We have an agreement that all we had was sex. I feel like I should be heartbroken or crushed but I'm not. I'm apathetic. The girl he made out with has a boyfriend and they were both shit-faced. That's all. Can I do this? Can I keep on telling myself none of this matters? Does it?

Mind fuck.

I have to stop thinking about all of that or I will just make myself even more confused by over analyzing everything. If someone could make my mind shut-up I would really appreciate it.

I will just write about last night to get my mind off of stuff. I went to kickball. We lost our game. We've never won a game. We were all pretty drunk. I watched Mr. 11 scam on other women at the bar. I talked to him about it and what he wants. One of the girls wants to have a relationship and he isn't in the right place for that right now. The other girl has a boyfriend that treats her like shit. I was busy getting my flirt on too. There were a couple of guys that I was interested in but I have nothing to say about them yet. When we left the bar he looked at me and asked if I was coming over. Yep, I certainly was going over. Yep, I locked my keys in my car. Yep, I felt like an asshole. It sucked and I dealt with the situation a good portion of the day. I hate it when that happens.

Tonight we all met up at a bar for a friend's birthday. Kickballers are incredibly incestuous and it's starting to freak me out. I didn't make out with anyone and I was one of the few people that didn't. A female kickballer walked up to Mr. 11 and said that she heard that he has a huge cock and was wondering if that was true. I turned bright red. I called it beautiful to my friends (2 kickballers) and never called it huge. Now all I have to wonder is if it was my comment to these 2 kickballers that came back and bitch slapped me. I know that he has had sex with at least one other kickballer so it could have been from her. Ugh. Then another female kickballer that was keeping to herself called all of us sluts because she has never hooked up with a kickballer. Ouch. As far as I'm concerned she is jealous and she sort of admitted to it later.

We all had to make a pact to keep our mouths shut about tonight. It was insane. I think everyone that was there is ready for sex.

I have to go to bed but I might write more later if I can't sleep.

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